Fourinarow.net

Apparently I really did piss someone off.  And, going to daily mass this morning with my 2-year-old netted me no points.  Maybe because said 2-year-old tried preaching over the priest.

After Sam and I returned from church, I set about vacuuming all the creepy spots in the house.  You know, all the tiny corners and basement rafters that are full of cobwebs and little crawly things.

Since the Orkin man wanted my first, second and third born children in return for a little pest preventative spraying, we decided to go the DIY route.  I bought some spray last night at Home Depot and thought I’d put it down today while 3 of the 4 were in school.

After vacuuming, I got the spray out and went to it.  I was finished with 10 minutes to spare, so I thought I’d do the outside perimeter of the house before going to pick up Luke and Maria from school.  As Sam and I went out, I checked the door knob and found that it was locked.  I unlocked it and then closed the door behind us.  (I’d leave the door open and just screen door closed, but Sam can open that himself.  Which means he can let the dog out.  Didn’t want that happening.  AGAIN.)

Sam frolicked in the yard while I sprayed and with about 2 minutes to spare, I was finished.  Screw Orkin.

I gathered Sam and we headed into the house.  Almost.

Impossibly, we were locked out.  I couldn’t believe it!  I had checked!  I guess, though, when I turned the lock to unlock the knob I didn’t turn it far enough.  Or something.

There we were, needing to pick up Luke and Maria, the dog needed to go out, and we couldn’t get into the house.  I didn’t even have my iphone on me.  As if that would help.

I was NOT going to be late picking up my kids.  Not, not, not.

Quickly, I thought about breaking a window pane, but I really didn’t want to do that.  There’s enough broken shit around here to fix already.

Like Pinky Dinky Do, I thought and thought and thought and thought.

The kitchen window was open a crack.  But, we have locking screens.  Not just those annyoing don’t-work-anyway peg things, but actual lever lock thingys.  I looked around for something skinny and hard to poke through the screen so I could unlock it, but found nothing.  I checked my watch.  Ugh.  I had to get in!

Screw it.  I broke the screen.  I figured fixing that had to be cheaper than fixing a window.  I then grabbed a garbage can (luckily the garbage man had already come so it was empty), put it on top of the 30-year-old air conditioning unit, climbed up, and pushed the window open.

Sam was standing right there (you know, to catch me if I fell) and I thought it would be easier to shove him through the window and try to get him to let me into the house than if I tried climbing in.

I guess I need to get my brain checked.

All Sam did was sit on the counter and play with all the cool things he couldn’t normally reach.  I encouraged him to get down.

“No,” he said.

I ran to the door and jiggled the handle and knocked on the door to try to entice him.  No dice.

I went back to the window, grabbed his hands and lowered him to the floor.  Again, I encouraged him to open the door.  I think he actually tried, but wasn’t able to turn the knob.  Dammit.

Back to the garbage can-on-the-air-conditioner I went and tried to pull myself through the window.  Thank God the window was to the back of the house, because it was very embarrassing.  Sam stared at me while I tried to hoist myself through.  I’m not nearly as flexible or as strong, I guess, as I am in my imagination, ’cause I had a hell of a time.  But, I did it.  Somehow.

Quickly, I grabbed Sam, my purse, my KEYS and the dog and we headed out.  We were short on time, so I figured we’d just take Cheerio with us to school.  Again, I need that brain checked.  As soon as Cheerio was out of the house she took a dump (which I had to stop and clean up) and then she jumped into the car and shook herself out.  Hair everywhere.

I set my ever-present Diet Dr. Pepper down, buckled Sam in and then came back to find dog slobber all over my soda.  Ewww.

We set off for school.  At the stop sign I looked down and saw that my dark blue pants were covered with dog hair and my t-shirt was smudged with dirt from climbing in the window.  Terrific.

Here comes Susan Clampett to join the preschool line.