(More than) Fourinarow.net

I never really considered myself vain.  Okay, maybe a little in high school.  But that ended quickly enough and by senior year in college, I was voted “Looks most like she just rolled out of bed.” I grew out of the rumpled stage when I entered the work world and looking presentable was required.  But, still, I wasn’t vain.

Now I’m older.  And, after four babies, things aren’t exactly as they used to be. Or where they used to be.  With no recent babies, or any on the way as an excuse, I guess I’ve felt the need to get myself back together.  It’s definitely not as easy as it used to be.  I’ve been dieting.  I’ve been doing yoga.  I’ve been Jillianized daily.  I work out at the gym.  I walk with 10 extra pounds of weight.

And, I think I’ve made some progress.  However… None of the things I’ve done has managed to put my boobs back where they used to be or un-stretch my belly.  Previously, I never worried about my boobs.  They’ve always been “average” and I’ve been fine with that.  (Except during pregnancy, and nursing they were “nicer than average”).  I think, though, that my four kids did some damage.  I swear now they’re smaller and saggier than they’ve ever been.

As a result, my biggest issue is when I view myself from the side.  My belly sticks out and my boobs sag and it’s just depressing.

But no longer!

I have discovered the secret!!!  Bigger, perkier boobs make you look thinner!

Now, despite having a good friend with connections in the nip ‘n tuck industry, I hear discounts aren’t typically given.

So what’s a poor(er) girl to do?  Head to the mall and make a beeline for Victoria’s Secret!!!  (Seriously.  These women aren’t all thin! That’s why the only show the top halves of their bodies!  Right?)

Once you get over the horror of having super-young, stick-thin (but with boobs), model-like employees help you with your old, pudgy, saggy body, you’ll leave the store a new woman.  Or, at least you’ll look like a new woman.  As long as you keep your clothes on, anyway.  Once it all comes off, it’s still the same ‘ol you.  But there are blackout shades and beer goggles for that kind of thing, right?