Do you see anything in that definition about interrupting children? Angry outbursts? Loud background music? The spiritual benefits of being stepped on by a 3-year-old?

Maybe I should start a new practice called Mommyoga where in we integrate obnoxious children into our practice.

I guess it’s my fault, really, for not getting up at 3 a.m. to do my yoga. I may have to start doing that. It’s kind of hard to get that yogi-rhythmic breathing thing going when you’re busy screaming at your children and your dog to GET OUT already!

I know, I know. One day I’ll be soooo sad that my kids aren’t around to bug me during Yoga. But, then again, by the time that happens, I’ll be to OLD to do Yoga.

Now I’m older.  And, after four babies, things aren’t exactly as they used to be. Or where they used to be.  With no recent babies, or any on the way as an excuse, I guess I’ve felt the need to get myself back together.  It’s definitely not as easy as it used to be.  I’ve been dieting.  I’ve been doing yoga.  I’ve been Jillianized daily.  I work out at the gym.  I walk with 10 extra pounds of weight.

And, I think I’ve made some progress.  However… None of the things I’ve done has managed to put my boobs back where they used to be or un-stretch my belly.  Previously, I never worried about my boobs.  They’ve always been “average” and I’ve been fine with that.  (Except during pregnancy, and nursing they were “nicer than average”).  I think, though, that my four kids did some damage.  I swear now they’re smaller and saggier than they’ve ever been.

As a result, my biggest issue is when I view myself from the side.  My belly sticks out and my boobs sag and it’s just depressing.

But no longer!

I have discovered the secret!!!  Bigger, perkier boobs make you look thinner!

Now, despite having a good friend with connections in the nip ‘n tuck industry, I hear discounts aren’t typically given.

So what’s a poor(er) girl to do?  Head to the mall and make a beeline for Victoria’s Secret!!!  (Seriously.  These women aren’t all thin! That’s why the only show the top halves of their bodies!  Right?)

Once you get over the horror of having super-young, stick-thin (but with boobs), model-like employees help you with your old, pudgy, saggy body, you’ll leave the store a new woman.  Or, at least you’ll look like a new woman.  As long as you keep your clothes on, anyway.  Once it all comes off, it’s still the same ‘ol you.  But there are blackout shades and beer goggles for that kind of thing, right?

I’ve taken advantage of the current weather and have been walking as much as I can.  It seems like all of Chicagoland is out biking, running, walking, skating, etc.  It is awesome.  We have a wonderful neighborhood to walk in and an awesome Rails-to-Trails path.  I love the path because it’s flat and wide and very pretty (although things aren’t blooming here yet.)  Oh, and there’s no traffic to worry about.  The downside to incorporating the trail into my walk, though, is trying to figure my distance.  There aren’t any roads that consistently follow the path, so I can’t just retrace my walk in the car and use the odometer.

I thought about digging up my pedometer and walking the same route over the next couple of days, but I don’t think it was the best route.  Probably not one I want to repeat.  But, darn it, I wanted to know how far I’d gone.

Well, heeeeelloooooo, Google!  Google, I found, has this awesome site called Gmaps Pedometer.  Go here: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/

All you have to do is zoom in on your town.  When you’re close enough, you can click the “start recording” button and then double click your starting point on the map.  Just continue to double click along your route until you make it back.   It will tell you your mileage!  And will show you the 1-mile points!  And, if you’re not too embarrassed to enter your weight, it will even tell you how many calories you burned!

SO COOL, isn’t it? You know what would be even cooler?  If Google was paying me to write this post.

Seriously, though, check it out if you’re a walker, biker, runner, etc.  I know I’ll be using it all the time.

Seriously, though, I could not be more thrilled.  We haven’t joined the Y since moving and it doesn’t look like we will any time soon.  With the crappy weather, it’s too painful for the kids to be outside for any amount of time, and that means I can’t be outside (i.e. walking) for any amount of time.  So, YAY!!!  I have a Wii Fit now!  Between that and The South Beach Diet, I am going to be SLENDER by the time my little brother’s wedding rolls around.

Not only have I lost some weight already, but I am a Hula Hooping QUEEN, people.  (I may suck at downhill skiing, but can Hula Hoop like you wouldn’t believe.)

If you have a Wii Fit and you want to connect, send me email and we’ll swap Wii numbers.  I haven’t quite figured that part out yet, but I’m getting there.  I’m hoping my sister and I can see each others’ scores so we can compete and stay motivated.

Oh, and shhhhhhhh…. I haven’t told the kids about the Wii yet.  I know, I know.  But I want to keep it to myself for a little while before succumbing to the insanity.

Cool, aren’t they? I feel so fashionable wearing them. Previously, my fanciest shoes were my Avia running shoes. No, I don’t run. But I wish I did. I do go to the gym occassionally. Not so much for the exercise, but for the free babysitting.

Which brings me to my point.

After being cooped up in the hotel room for waaaaaay too long yesterday, I rounded everyone one up for a trip to the Y. They needed to play. I needed a workout. We all needed a break from each other. Desperately.

As I was getting ready, I realized I was missing my Avias. In an effort to cut down on all the crap we’ve been hauling around from hotel room to hotel room, I had only allowed myself two pair of shoes on this trip. I left the rest in St. Louis. Including my Avias. What did I have with me? A pair of sandles (those are kick ass, too, by the way, and a gift from my fashionista sister Maggie) and my Merrells.

Now, although the Merrells are billed as “athletic” I don’t think the designers really intended them for the gym. Well, too bad. I was desperate and I couldn’t work out in sandles or go barefoot. Merrells it would have to be and Merrells it was.

I looked at no one as I walked through the gym and climbed aboard a cross trainer. Consumed with my music and my book, I ignored everyone else and worked out as if I was a normal person wearing the appropriate footwear.

And I’m doing it again today. Very soon. Like right now.

Six more weeks of hotel living? I hope not.

Six weeks until we get our assignment? Better not be.

Nope. Six weeks… to 100 push ups.

Unfortunately, my lovely cousin Gwen pointed out to me that my friend Liz’s blog made mention of the push up program. Gwen said she was going to do it. Curious, I visited the site. A glutton for punishment, I decided to challenge myself. And, my husband.

So far, we’re on Week 1, day 2.

I hate push ups, but I figure they’re good for me. They’ll strengthen more than just my arms, and can be done anywhere – even in a hotel room full of children. Also, I can probably use a stress reliever other than the kind containing alcohol.

So… are you up for it, too? Come on! Misery loves company. Let’s do it together.

Leave me a comment and let me know if you’re in. We’ll check up on each other throughout the program.